Andrew Skotzko

Eat Me If You Wish

“One day, the Buddhist saint Milarepa left his cave to gather firewood, and when he returned he found that his cave had been taken over by demons. There were demons everywhere! His first thought upon seeing them was, ‘I have got to get rid of them!’ He lunges toward them, chasing after them, trying forcefully to get them out of his cave. But the demons are completely unfazed. In fact, the more he chases them, the more comfortable and settled-in they seem to be. Realizing that his efforts to run them out have failed miserably, Milarepa opts for a new approach and decides to teach them the dharma.

“If chasing them out won’t work, then maybe hearing the teachings will change their minds and get them to go. So he takes his seat and begins… After a while he looks around and realizes all the demons are still there…At this point Milarepa lets out a deep breath of surrender, knowing now that these demons will not be manipulated into leaving and that maybe he has something to learn from them. He looks deeply into the eyes of each demon and bows, saying, ‘It looks like we’re going to be here together. I open myself to whatever you have to teach me.’

“In that moment all the demons but one disappear. One huge and especially fierce demon, with flaring nostrils and dripping fangs, is still there. So Milarepa lets go even further. Stepping over to the largest demon, he offers himself completely, holding nothing back. ‘Eat me if you wish.’ He places his head in the demon’s mouth, and at that moment the largest demon bows low and dissolves into space.”

Why Do It, Then?

I came across as someone who was driven to succeed. Many told me so. I thought that as well until I loved myself. Then, one day, I woke up to a spotlight shining on that belief, except the truth was a slight twist: I was driven to not fail.

Kamal wrote that in a powerful vignette he just published. And it punched me right in the face. In a good way.

I realized that a lot of my motivation, historically, has been not to fail. Everything was wrapped up in my ego. A lot still is.

I wondered, could something take its place? Could something else be as powerful a motivator? After all, fearing failure has given me a lot of mileage. Could there be an equally powerful, sustainable, and bottomless motivation that is more positive?

I thought about that and racked my brain for hours. Held on to hope there was something else I could tap into. Then, as I was drifting off into a delicious nap, it whacked me.

It’s so simple. It’s just like being ten years old on a bike again, exploring the vastness of my neighborhood for the first time and feeling absolute wonderment at the most mundane things, just because they were there.

So if not to not fail, why do it, then? [Read more…] about Why Do It, Then?

Mercenaries

Yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking about someone who hurt me badly a few months ago. I hadn’t thought of this person in at least a month, and then BAM, I’m in it.

I know where this train of thought leads. It is not a happy place. My defenses tell me to ignore the memory. I listen. I try. I fail.

The memory comes roaring back, stronger than before. This repeats. It’s not as simple as just “ignoring” negative thoughts. How come?

Energy is the currency of my psyche. My attention is the bank distributing it. And my thoughts are gluttonous mercenaries whose martial art is judo. They feed on any energy routed to them by my attention, swelling up and working for or against me in direct proportion to how much they receive.

They are insatiable. It doesn’t matter whether they are useful or not. [Read more…] about Mercenaries

I Surrender

All of a sudden I was stretching farther and deeper than I ever had. For the first time, in that moment, it was easy. Something had changed and I’d crossed a threshold I wasn’t previously aware of.

On June 30th, I woke up early and did yoga. It was cold and dark in my apartment. I was half asleep, feeling creaky. Soon enough, I came upon the one “basic” yoga pose that still challenges me every time: triangle pose.

Every time I get to triangle pose, I literally feel pushed up against an internal wall of resistance and it’s like my own body is blocking me. There’s this persistent tension in my hips and upper chest/back that I get locked into and can’t seem to get relief from. I always try to push harder, to stretch farther, to go deeper into the pose. But it never works.

When I finally broke through that wall, it wasn’t by doing anything in particular. In fact, it was by not doing something that I progressed. Rather than trying like I always do, I just stopped. I surrendered. I heard this impulse say, LET GO. It kept repeating until I did. And then, for a few molasses seconds, everything was better and nothing existed but a detached fascination.

It made me think that we are all working so hard to maintain this illusion of control. It’s part of our culture, the American religion. But it’s a lie we’re all telling ourselves and representing to each other with fake smiles and overconfident assurances. The only thing we can control is what we do in this moment. Our actions, and with more practice, our thoughts and feelings. I can’t control the world or force things to go my way. I can’t control who is going to launch what product or when, when someone I care about is going to be gone, or if the pretty girl is suddenly going to stop being interested in me and not want me anymore. It’s largely out of my hands. All I can do is focus on this moment and give everything I’ve got, right now, trusting that outcomes will work out in the end.

I think back to that cold, early morning moment a lot. And now every day has become triangle pose.